Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
