We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
