Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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