I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I think my moral compass just broke
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