what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
They are going to name an STD after you.
Randomize
