I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
