Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
