Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
