This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
