I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
