And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
