that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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