Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
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