I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
