Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
