I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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