he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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