i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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