Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
