how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
