69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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