Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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