I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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