Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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