remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
