fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
