my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Randomize
