Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
