No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
