Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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