youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
