I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
