so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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