we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
