Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
