I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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