He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
