New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You are the jesus of drinking
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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