got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
