she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
