But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
