I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
