hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
