That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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