Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
