he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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