Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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