I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
