So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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