so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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