First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
