dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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