this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
