Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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