The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Let's get the cat blown out
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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