We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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