he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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