The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
