So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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