if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
