i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
