wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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