I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
