I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
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